Thursday, April 19, 2018

Guess Who's Back?

I started this blog 9 years ago.  For a while, I was pretty consistent with posting, updating you on all the important and mundane moments in my life, and then I just stopped.  I don't remember why.  Maybe I ran out of things to say, which seems unlikely, I always have something to say, whether or not people want to hear it.  Maybe, my life became what I thought was too hectic, I lost my focus, or forgot how writing made me feel, even if I'm not working on Pulitzer Prize winning material.  Whatever the reason, in the last couple of weeks, I've found my mind wandering back to this blog, to the release writing allows me to feel.  I did some finger stretches and shook the cobwebs off the writing portion of my brain and am going to give it another go.

Since the last time I posted, almost three years ago, a lot has happened in my life.  Ryan and I moved in together.  We added a member to our family, Ruby Sue, I mean just look at that face! Bought a house; maneuvered many of life's ups and downs, questioned where we were in our lives, went on adventures near and far, celebrated accomplishments and grieved losses.

Baby Ruby Sue.  We had her about a week in this picture.
Our closing day!  December 2016




Taking a break from hiking, spring 2018 
The last few weeks have been difficult for many reasons, it's funny how you're trudging along in life, stuck in the predictability of the day to day, and then your world just explodes.  And not just once, but over and over and over.  That's the feeling I've been carrying around for the last few weeks.  In my work, every day I talk to someone about trauma.  The impacts of trauma, trauma behavior, trauma history, secondary trauma, on and on.  When I'm talking about it I know exactly what to do, exactly what to say, how to navigate someone through it.  When it's my trauma, I'm at a loss.  That's a difficult realization to make and even more difficult to acknowledge to others.  I try and be very strong all the time, for everyone around me, and when I don't feel strong, when I feel very vulnerable, I don't lean into it, I push it away.  I'm learning to lean in.  I'm allowing myself the option of sitting with my grief, with my disappointments, with my fears, of allowing the tears to come, even at inopportune times, but also allowing the joy and the laughter to come alongside.  

At almost 39 years old, I'm understanding the need to embrace all the experiences in my life, positive or negative, angry or joyful, sad or celebratory, and take them for what they are and the impact each one has on my life in that moment.  It's not going to be an easy journey, but one I'm willing to take on. Let's see where this ride takes me.