Time of Our Lives

Lately I've noticed myself being selfish.  Selfish of my time and the way I spend it.  The older I get the more I've realized prioritizing my free time is well, a priority.  So often we spend our time on things we think we should be doing, or do out of feelings of guilt, if I don't go to this or that people are going to think I'm rude (or any variation of that, I think women are worse about this than men).  Honestly, time is by far the most precious resource we have, and the most limited.  I've gotten really good at saying no to the things I would be doing just to appease, just to not be judged, and feeling good about my decision.  When I say yes to something, it's something I know I'm going to grow from or something that will cause me joy instead of stress and anxiety.  I have to start working on doing things for myself and not feeling guilty about it. 

Please don't misunderstand me, there's a time and a place to say yes.  There was a point in my life I said no to everything out of fear.  If I hadn't of changed my mindset and started saying yes to new experiences I never would have met Ryan.  I never would have gone zip lining (where I realized I have a crippling fear of heights), I wouldn't have Ruby Sue, I wouldn't have a home, and on and on and on.  I was driven by fear which is why I always said no previously, I had shut down, turned in on myself.  I was lucky to have a tribe who challenged me, who knew that person wasn't me, and encouraged me to start saying yes to new experiences.  I believe you have to say yes, 100%, now I'm in a different space, a different moment in my life.

I've realized, mostly out of loss, how precious our time is, and how I want to fill that time with the people I love and the experiences that will broaden my life and bring me joy.   One of the best experiences I've had in the last year is going on a girl's trip with my two girlfriends from high school.  That is a trip I will remember forever, reconnecting with those girls, who have seen me at my worst and at my best, and have never judged me, was such an overwhelming feeling for me.  It is true, as women, the older we get, the more precious our relationships with our girlfriends become.  I feel that time and time again; I'm lucky to have strong friendships to lean on when times get tough.

I will continue to say yes to new experiences and things that will help me grow, but I refuse to feel any more guilt to saying no to things.  And not because I'm saying no out of fear anymore, but because the way I spend my time matters and it's a way I can put myself first, replenish myself in the day to day, so I can continue to live my best life.

Guess Who's Back?

I started this blog 9 years ago.  For a while, I was pretty consistent with posting, updating you on all the important and mundane moments in my life, and then I just stopped.  I don't remember why.  Maybe I ran out of things to say, which seems unlikely, I always have something to say, whether or not people want to hear it.  Maybe, my life became what I thought was too hectic, I lost my focus, or forgot how writing made me feel, even if I'm not working on Pulitzer Prize winning material.  Whatever the reason, in the last couple of weeks, I've found my mind wandering back to this blog, to the release writing allows me to feel.  I did some finger stretches and shook the cobwebs off the writing portion of my brain and am going to give it another go.

Since the last time I posted, almost three years ago, a lot has happened in my life.  Ryan and I moved in together.  We added a member to our family, Ruby Sue, I mean just look at that face! Bought a house; maneuvered many of life's ups and downs, questioned where we were in our lives, went on adventures near and far, celebrated accomplishments and grieved losses.

Baby Ruby Sue.  We had her about a week in this picture.

Our closing day!  December 2016

Taking a break from hiking, spring 2018 

The last few weeks have been difficult for many reasons, it's funny how you're trudging along in life, stuck in the predictability of the day to day, and then your world just explodes.  And not just once, but over and over and over.  That's the feeling I've been carrying around for the last few weeks.  In my work, every day I talk to someone about trauma.  The impacts of trauma, trauma behavior, trauma history, secondary trauma, on and on.  When I'm talking about it I know exactly what to do, exactly what to say, how to navigate someone through it.  When it's my trauma, I'm at a loss.  That's a difficult realization to make and even more difficult to acknowledge to others.  I try and be very strong all the time, for everyone around me, and when I don't feel strong, when I feel very vulnerable, I don't lean into it, I push it away.  I'm learning to lean in.  I'm allowing myself the option of sitting with my grief, with my disappointments, with my fears, of allowing the tears to come, even at inopportune times, but also allowing the joy and the laughter to come alongside.  

At almost 39 years old, I'm understanding the need to embrace all the experiences in my life, positive or negative, angry or joyful, sad or celebratory, and take them for what they are and the impact each one has on my life in that moment.  It's not going to be an easy journey, but one I'm willing to take on. Let's see where this ride takes me.